Growing up, I always worried that conceiving might be difficult for me. Lots of the women in my family went through early menopause. And I often said to my friends that I’d freeze my eggs if I hadn’t settled down by a certain age.
But to my surprise, I conceived my first daughter at the age of 35 with little trouble. I thought that meant I had nothing to worry about anymore and that I’d have no issues getting pregnant again.
Secondary infertility
I’d never heard of secondary infertility. But after 12 months of trying for a second baby, and with my body clock ticking steadily closer to the big 40, I knew we needed to get some tests done.
The results weren’t great. I had a very low AMH. And nobody could tell me how long I might have before menopause would start – could be months, could be years.
So we went to Fertility Network UK for advice, and after a long chat with them, we decided to head down the IVF route.
Our IVF journey
We didn’t really know anything about IVF when we started. We understood it might not work, but we comforted ourselves that we already had our daughter. We told ourselves we’d just give it a go and if things weren’t meant to be then at least we would have tried.
A lonely time
I had no idea how the process would leave me feeling emotionally. Looking back, it was the loneliest experience of my entire life. None of my friends knew what to say. They daren’t ask how I was doing, where I was at with the treatment or what I was feeling or thinking.
I can see now that they were worried about upsetting me or stressing me out but, at the time, it felt like everyone I loved had backed off just when I needed them most.
I ended up writing a journal of my thoughts and feelings as we went through the process. It was my coping mechanism, a way for me to channel my emotions without any proper support network. It’s interesting reading it back now and it still stirs up so many emotions.
Feeling drained and tired
Our clinic, Wessex Fertility, was brilliant. But the process itself was really difficult too. I had a cyst and so we had to scrap the first attempt before we even started. The daily injections were hard – as was rushing to get them in every morning before our toddler woke up.
The drugs made me feel drained and tired. I found myself saying no to nights out and meeting up with friends because I couldn’t face everyone when I was feeling awful. So I became even more isolated.
And living everyday by the IVF calendar was exhausting. Every time we’d got through one difficult stage, there was yet another one to get through. And on, and on.
Our beautiful IVF baby
We were very fortunate and managed to conceive our 2nd daughter through the IVF process. But I don’t think I ever anticipated how my IVF experience would change the way I felt as a parent and how anxious and protective it would make me.
From the moment she arrived, I felt an overwhelming need to keep my baby safe. Even more so than with my first daughter. We’d been through so much to complete our family, and I was worried that something was going to take her away from us.
Sleep and health worries
My eldest daughter had suffered with poor health in infancy, which I know stemmed from not getting enough sleep in her early years. We hadn’t managed to sleep train her until she was a toddler and all of us had suffered with sleep deprivation.
It turned out she’d had sleep apnea which ended with a tonsillectomy when she was 3. But remembering that experience added to the deep anxiety I felt over my youngest’s health.
I knew how important good sleep was for my baby’s health. And I didn’t want to repeat the same pattern of sleep deprivation again. I wanted to encourage good sleep from the start, so that my youngest could be as happy and healthy as possible.
Sleep training gave me peace of mind
We started sleep training, following the newborn plan goals – and by 10 weeks she was pretty much sleeping through and had a relatively good nap schedule.
I protected her naps, not heading out to baby classes if a nap was due. I realised how important establishing her schedule was, over me getting to a class I had paid for. We would head out between naps instead and I made sure that everything else fitted around her sleep.
The fact that she became a great sleeper so early on helped with calming my nerves. I knew she was giving her body the right amount of sleep to recover each day and fight off any illnesses she encountered along the way.
My experience as an IVF mum
My IVF journey has definitely shaped the parent I have become. The worries and fierce need to protect both my girls are a big part of it, yes. But so is the feeling of being utterly blessed to have them. They are both my little miracles.
Emma and Karen would both like to thank Wessex Fertility for the help they’ve given them and their families. Emma, for the care she received during her IVF journey and Karen, for their support following her miscarriage.
Emma Towers is a Baby Sleep The Night Certified Consultant, you can find her contact details on the Get 1-2-1 Help Page.